Vulnerable

I was just re-reading a blog post made about me last year as a freshman. One of the juniors was super excited about my faith. As I read it, I guess I was just looking for some encouragement. My first reaction was "I can't believe someone was this excited about me." But that didn't sound right. Let's re-phrase that because I CAN believe someone was that excited about God. 

Another thought comes to mind: where is that freshman girl now? Where is that girl who was so vulnerable to what God had planned for her and where He wanted to use her that she blurted out to her whole class on the first day that she is obsessed with Jesus?

A part of me wants her back. But I'm a new kind of vulnerable now. I'm so far thrown out of my comfort zone that I cling to God because I know that if I don't I can't survive each day. I've grown more during this crazy, hectic semester than I did this summer when I was bored beyond what I could stand. That doesn't make sense at first, but then I realize that this summer I didn't see as much of a need for God. As awful as that sounds, I tried to handle things myself. I knew I wasn't fine, but I was able to ignore that feeling. Then the school year started and I couldn't ignore that feeling any longer.

I NEED HIM. I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT HIM.     I don't say those words lightly, but I say them with a weighted down heart. I say them as I remember all the brokenness I've experienced this semester and as I remember a feeling I had never felt before: deep hopelessness. This semester I learned how to say "break me, God" when I didn't know what else there was to break. I learned how to trust that God has everything in His hands and He doesn't need my help, just my surrender.

November 21st - November 25th

November 21st

I am thankful for a break from school. A major reason I made it through the weeks before it was knowing I would get a break soon!

November 22cd

I am thankful for Thanksgiving! I never really paid this much attention to what I am thankful for. It has given me a whole new perspective on life. I am thankful for so much that I don't even want to stop this at the end of November! In the midst of hardships and times of hurt, there is always something to be thankful for. I have learned how to stop dwelling on the pain and see the blessings. I am far from perfect at this, but I am excited about this new lesson God is teaching me!

November 23rd

I am thankful for the best grandparents a girl could ever ask for! I am thankful for their sense of humor during pictures! I am thankful for them doing things like having beautiful flowers delivered to my house on graduation day! I am thankful that I get the opportunity to know them and to learn from their wisdom. I am thankful that they love me and want to spend time with me. I am thankful for living close enough to them to see them around the holidays and spend time with them. I am thankful that God brought my parents together so I can have all of them in my family!

November 24th

Good gravy I am so thankful I am not the same person I used to be and that I will continue to change from who I am now! Even my fashion choices have changed (praise the Lord!!)

"And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." ~ Philippians 1:6

one of my favorite quotes: "God loves me just the way I am, but He loves me too much to leave me that way" 

I remember graduation Sunday at First Baptist Church and being overwhelmed with how far I had come. I worshiped because I knew I didn't get there on my own. Even since then, as I look back through pictures, I realize how much I have changed just in the past year and a half. I am thankful beyond words because I am not fully who I want to be. If I were to die tonight, I would not be completely satisfied that I lived the life I should have. I don't think I will ever get to that moment on this earth, no matter how long I live because there will always be something I'm doing wrong since I'm human. But because God is good I know that a year from now, I will be more like Christ than I am today. For that fact alone, I can praise Him.

November 25th

I can't stop looking at this picture because just seeing their faces makes my heart do some happy phenomenon that I can't explain! I cannot express in words my thankfulness for these 2 wonderful women of God. It's an honor to have gotten to know them. I would not have made it through high school without them as my small group leaders. They have been here for me from the beginning with a love I had never seen before from anyone outside of my family. It means more to me than I know what to do with. Watching them live God's love out loud has taught me more than they will ever know this side of eternity. To this day, I am trying to imitate them the best I can. Even though I hardly ever get to see them anymore, I get random reminders of their prayers and love. And usually it's right when I need it most. I love them both so so dearly. :)

November 19th and November 20th

November 19th

I don't have a picture yet, but I am thankful for the freshmen and all the other new members of Cru. They remind me that God is preparing people from around the world to come together in order to fulfill His will. Their passion for Him, their strong desire to grow in Him, their love for their new neighbors has all blown my mind. They never cease to amaze me. Whether a freshman or a senior, I am thankful that God decided it was time for me to get to know them!

November 20th

It's been November 20th for only about an hour now, but I thought it would be appropriate while thanking God for the newbies to also thank Him for the student leaders who have stuck with Cru for the past several years and are still leading with a purpose. (They seriously need a picture of all of them together!) I don't know what I would do without them. I wonder each day how Cru will survive without them next year, but the wonderful thing about them is that it's not really them. God is the One who is shining so radiantly through them and leading our campus. Each one of them brings something beautifully different to the table and uses their talents in uniquely God-ordained ways. God gave us organizational skills, love for prayer, musical abilities, design talent, and sweet sweet personalities. Behind each one of these talents being used is an overwhelming passion for Christ and love for people. Also, the remarkable unity among these precious people encourages me each time I see them. I could not ask for better role-models. They are gonna be some tough shoes to fill!!

November 10th - 18th

November 10th

HOMECOMING WEEKEND! I am so thankful for all the beautiful ladies before us that lead Cru and Winthrop with loving hearts and a passion for people. I am thankful that I was able to spend a year with them before they went on to the next stage God had planned for their beautiful lives!

November 11th

I am thankful for college. I am thankful for how it taught me that there is more to this world than my little Fort Mill world. I used to think that was everything. I couldn't imagine living anywhere else. But I came here and I realized that there is so much more out there! I love hearing stories from foreign exchange students and even just getting to know people from across the state who have lived different lives than I have. It has opened my eyes to how big God's world is and how little mine is. In this picture, there are people from Australia, Fort Mill, Greenville, Charleston, Beaufort, Florence, Summerville, Cayce, and Colorado. Cultural Diversity was never important to me until I came here. My whole world expanded when I became an Eagle!

November 12th

Monday. I am thankful for the starting line. Everyone loves Fridays because they are the finish of the week; time to do something rewarding after working hard all week. But it's the Mondays that teach us perseverance. I usually want to hide under my covers when I remember that I still have the whole week ahead of me, but it's when I climb out from under my covers and face my fears that I get to practice trust and see God work. (James 1:2-4)

November 13th

I am thankful for my discipler! I am thankful  for her sweet friendship. She doesn't know the perfect words to say to me, but she somehow says exactly what I need to hear. I am thankful for this precious role-model who genuinely cares about me instead of pretending to fill the role of "caring discipler"! I am thankful that God Divinely designed us to have similar backgrounds so she can relate to things that are happening in my life now. I am thankful that she cares too much about me to let me make certain mistakes and I am thankful for her wisdom that only God could be giving her.

November 14th

I am thankful for my discipleship group last year. These precious friends have helped me survive freshman year and the first half of sophomore year. I don't know what I would have done without them. They have taught me so much about living. Each one of them is a gift from God. The summer before freshman year, I prayed more times than I can count that God would provide good friends who are in love with Him. These 3 girls are a lot of my answer to that prayer!


November 15th

I am thankful that God gave us other people to worship with! When I get excited, I like to talk to other people who are just as excited! I am thankful that I can freely join the body of Christ in worshipping the Lord! (1 Corinthians 14:1-25)

November 16th

I am thankful that God is my Daddy. A while ago, some friends and I were talking about why people raise their hands in church. We do it ourselves, but we all had different reasons. My favorite was when one of my friends explained how she heard it... just as a child holds up their hands and cries "Hold me, daddy!" we are raising ours and crying "Hold me, Daddy!" I am thankful for the moments when I become so lost in Him that nothing matters as long as I'm standing at my Father's feet!

November17th

I am thankful for the bare necessities!! On this day, I spent my day cozy in my bed doing homework because I have an education, eating donuts because I have access to food, and watching television because that's just a non-necessity that makes me happy! I've been complaining to myself a lot recently about not having much food in my room and not wanting to go spend money for McDonalds. Even though it doesn't always taste good, I have access to a cafeteria that provides food to sustain me. Some people don't even have that much. I am privileged that the first thought when I wake up doesn't have to be me wondering whether I'll get to eat that day.


November 18th

I am thankful for the unknown. Most days, I would just like everything to be laid out for me so I never have to worry about my future. But it proves to me over and over that I cannot handle this world on my own. I can rest knowing that God has my past, presents, and future in His hands. He is outside of time. While I am worrying about what will happen next, He is already there preparing it for me.

November 9th

I am thankful for silence. This is weird for me, because I usually cannot handle being away from people for too long. I am thankful for days that I get to escape the world, the stress, and the problems to spend hours alone with God. I am thankful for the peace it brings. I am thankful for the reminders it brings that I cannot survive this life without God. I am thankful for the yearning it brings to spend even more time with Him. I am thankful that the second I walk away, I desire to go back to the silence. I am thankful for the fact that I feel like I've gotten nothing done today and I haven't checked anything off my to-do list and yet I am less stressed than I have been all week. I am thankful for quiet days to fall into my Father's arms and just lie there all day and rest in Him. I am thankful for the way my soul feels rested and rejuvenated at the same time. I am thankful for silence in the middle of a world that never stops.

"My soul waits in silence for God only;
From Him is my salvation.
He only is my rock and my salvation,
My stronghold; I shall not be greatly shaken."
Psalm 62:1

"Cease striving and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10

I am still thankful!

November 6

I am thankful for this country. I am not huge into political matters, but I love our freedom. I am thankful that I can worship God without worrying about the government sending a sniper to shoot me. I am thankful that I can proclaim that I am the Lord's and He is mine.

November 7

I am thankful for an education. I am thankful that it teaches me self-discipline and hard work. I am thankful for the good and the bad grades, because every one of them is a learning experience. I am thankful that God will use my education in the future to give me a new mission field wherever I end up.

November 8

I am thankful that no matter what happens, there is one thing that will never change and that is the wonderful fact that God loves me! He has plans for me even when I question where my life is going. Not only does He always have a plan, but it is a plan that will draw me closer to Him and where He will use me for His eternal Kingdom! If there is one thing I have learned in the past 20 years, it is that I can have all the popularity and money I've ever dreamed of, but if God is not standing right next to me, it will be a miserable life. I am loved. I am treasured.  I am precious in His eyes. I am HIS. Therefore, I am thankful.

I am Thankful!

Okay so I'm a little late in the game, but here goes a month of Thankfulness...

November 1st

I am thankful for my family. No matter how annoyed we get with each other at times, we are still family and we love each other. These people standing next to me are the people that will always stand next to me. Friends come and go, but God chose these 4 precious friends to walk through life with me for the rest of our time on Earth however long that may be...no matter how far apart in distance we end up when we are all grown up and moved out of the house.



November 2cd

I am thankful for my best friend. I am thankful for all the times she listens to me vent about something that doesn't even matter in the long run. I am thankful that she puts up with the mess in our room when I am too stressed out with schoolwork to clean it. I am thankful for the way she is always there for me. She is one of the few people I can tell anything to without the fear of losing her friendship because I am too weird!



November 3rd

I am thankful for random Divine appointments that provide encouragement and support. (This actually didn't happen until November 4th!) I am thankful for these 2 precious people showing me what it is like to be so filled with Christ that it overflows onto the people around them so they can pour into others' lives. I am thankful for their beautiful hearts to serve Christ and others. They put God first and the rest just happens! I am thankful for role models and the way God will use them to impact many others.



November 4th

This girl right here. I am thankful for her life. I am thankful for her friendship. But most of all, I am thankful for the radical change that has happened in her life. I have been thanking God all week for the blessing of having a front row seat to watch His sovereignty through my sweet friend. I am thankful that God is using her story to remind me of the stunning power of His Gospel that I overlook too often.



November 5th

As weird as it sounds, I am thankful for tears. I am thankful for hard times because it is during these times we grow. It is while we are hurting that we become broken. And it is while we are broken that we see our desperate need for a Savior. I cannot do this on my own and if trials is what it takes to make me realize this, I will gladly accept them. I am thankful that I am weak. I am thankful that I have nothing to boast about unless it's in Christ. (2 Corinthians 12:9)

Worries

In all of the many things that I worry about (most of them not even worth worrying about), it never occurred to me the things that I DON'T have to worry about:

• having to live daily without my Father right next to me
• whether or not God hears my prayers
• trying to get in touch with the Creator of the Universe
• eternity apart from Christ
• whose blood will satisfy God's wrath

...because the truth is...

• God is with me every step of the way, no matter how hard I try to control my life without His help
• Every time I cry out to God, He hears me. He doesn't ignore me or push me away because He has so much other stuff to do.
• I know that I am spending all of eternity with my Lover
• Jesus came to satisfy the wrath of God forever

So the next time you worry about something temporary, remember that everything eternal is already taken care of! So now we have to put all our focus on what will last for eternity rather than the trivial problems that will be over in a week!

RAW

this is the theme song of my life.

fear. insecurity. lies. PRIDE.

all of these keep my wall up between me and the rest of the world.

community: "A group of people living together in one place, esp. one practicing common ownership"

in this case, our common owner is our Lord Jesus Christ. in fact, the word "lord" literally means master.

as one body of Christ under one master and owner, we are a community. 

so what does community look like in my eyes? RAW. 

my dear friend decided this is the perfect word for this situation. i didn't really understand what it meant at first. i just kept picturing raw steak, and i just couldn't fit the pieces together in my mind to compare myself with raw meat. so i looked up the definition...

raw: "In its natural state; not yet processed or purified" .....WOW!! 

THAT'S what God wants. THAT'S what our community needs to stay alive.

raw. before we clean ourselves up. before we put on our "happy face" for the day. before we make our lives look perfect. before we pretend we are "good Christians".

raw. nasty. gross. impure. slimy. unattractive. as is.

come as you are!

who would eat raw chicken? not me! but Jesus can handle it. in fact, He DESIRES it. we don't have to "put on a face" for Him because He already knows. HE ALREADY KNOWS!! but wait for the good part...not only does He know, but EVEN THOUGH HE KNOWS, HE LOVES US. HE STILL WANTS US!!!

John 7:53-8:11 is a story that most of us have heard before. a woman was caught in her sin and brought literally naked to Jesus. as humiliating as this was for her, that's what we need to do. the starting point is here. before we can defeat our pride, we must come before our Father completely robbed of our dignity and everything that makes us think we are okay. WE ARE NOT OKAY. we are in DESPERATE need of a Savior. 

have you ever felt an emotion so big you can't do anything but fall on your knees and scream? cry out to your Father in pure desperation for Him. yes, i am already a believer. i know i am going to Heaven. but it's so much more than that. it's daily recognizing that i can't do anything of worth on my own. it's realizing that i can't save myself. in fact, i need to be saved FROM myself and my sinful nature. 

while singing in worship, i take my shoes off as a reminder to throw everything off of myself and come before my Father with JUST ME. rip everything off until there is nothing left. no hindrance, no pride, no fear of popularity, nothing but me. it's my crying "GOD, I'M DONE! these things aren't enough for me. I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE! I NEED YOU!"

last night, i remember in prayer to God, i couldn't say these words enough. i could NOT stop saying them: "I. NEED. YOU. GOD, I NEED YOU."

so this is raw before the Lord. 

how does raw look in community? 

STOP HIDING. i'm sick of it. i'm sick of my own wall i've put up and it's so hard to break it down. i can't keep putting on an act in front of my community of believers who care about me.

i feel like i'm always prying things out of other people because i truly care about them and want to know be there for them, but they don't feel worthy. but i've been there, am still there, and am trying to dig myself out of this place. i can't do it alone. i need my Savior to keep saving me from myself and my pride. and i need my community to be raw with me.

"Therefore I, the prisoner of the Lord, implore you to walk in a manner worthy of the 
calling with which you have been called,
with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance for one another in love,

being diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.

There is one body and one Spirit, just as also you were called in one hope of your calling;

one Lord, one faith, one baptism,

one God and Father of all who is over all and through all and in all."

~Ephesians 4:1-6

if Christ's love really is in us, is it showing?

Last weekend, my family and i drove to Asheville to visit the Biltmore House. visiting the Biltmore House is super fun...if you are into history, which i am NOT at all!! so it was pretty boring to me while we were inside the house. but later we drove a couple miles to another museum about the Vanderbilt family and other random things. One exhibit was on the Titanic. I stood mesmorized as I read an old newspaper. Story after story of brave individuals' heroic actions, men doing everything to save their true loves by giving up their lives. So many pushed back the fear of their evident death to let others live. As I read, I didn't even notice when my sister walked up next to me; everything around me was a blur except for these stories. It was no longer a history lesson of a sinking ship...it was a look into the lives of real people.

Likewise, the Vanderbilts weren't just a rich family who owned a cool mansion; they are individuals who treasured time with their kids, enjoyed nature walks, and dealt with heartache - just like us. It made me wonder why we make such a big deal about them...why THEM? why not some other family that lived in that time period? sure, they have the biggest house i've EVER been in; and other than really wanting to play the ultimate game of hide-and-seek in it (new addition to my bucket list!), i don't care about the house. i was way more interested in the people than the house.

...but why wait until they are gone to care about their lives? i just found out last week that a girl i've been in a couple classes with lost her 16-year-old sister last year and the police can't figure out whether she committed suicide or was murdered. my heart broke with hers. but why didn't i care enough about her life to get to know her before now? why did i just assume she was fine? she didn't talk much in class last year but i wouldn't either if i had just lost someone that dear to me. i don't want to treat people like they are insignificant and invisible.

and what about the people who haven't had a mind-blowing tragedy in their lives but still get overwhelmed with stress, worry about financial needs, have no idea what to do with their lives or how to get there, and feel lonely through all of it? what about those people???
when was the last time we intentionally showed someone Christ's love? 
when was the last time someone else showed YOU Christ's love and how did it make a difference in your life? be that person!

--- Christ's love is SO BIG that it CAN'T go unnoticed!!!

You're Beautiful by Phil Wickham

my manager told me the story of when he first fell in love with his wife:

they went to youth group together. one morning, he saw her worshipping and thought, "wow, she is beautiful!"

likewise, she saw him worshipping with his saxophone in the praise band and fell in love.

as i picture this, my heart is more happy than i can describe! they didn't fall in love when they saw each other, what they looked liked physically. they saw each others' love for their Savior coming from the inside and they were blown away by the beauty it brought.

the most amazing words you will ever hear

the most amazing words you will ever hear: "For God SO LOVED the world that He gave His one and ONLY SON, that whoever believes in Him SHALL NOT PERISH but have eternal life." John 3:16

paraphrase version: God loves YOU. Jesus DIED for YOU. we are not worth it, but His love convinced Him otherwise. 

this truth is often stated and way too often ignored, pushed aside, and marked as "we don't need to hear that anymore." but we DO need to hear it over and over again as a reminder that even though we are worth less than dirt, the Creator of this universe loves us more than we can even imagine. 

this is what Phud talked about at Remedy yesterday. He told us we are considered HOLY and BLAMELESS before God. all i could pray was, "no way, God!!! no way!!!" 

in front of us was a family with a very distracting baby. the mother was holding her as she wiggled and chattered, but when i looked at the dad, he was completely mesmorized by the Gospel. as Phud preached the straight Gospel that Jesus died and rose, this father's jaw was dropped and i don't think he even noticed his child making such a distraction. this is what the Gospel should do to us. it should mesmorize us so we don't even notice distractions. we should stand in awe of God and the truth of all He did out of love for us. 

"I wanna thrive; not just survive"

"I will greet this day with love in my heart.
And how will I do this?
Henceforth will I look on all things
With love and be born again.
I will love the sun for it warms my bones;
Yet I will love the rain for it cleanses my spirit.
I will love the light for it shows me the way;
Yet I will love the darkness for it shows me the stars.
I will welcome happiness as it enlarges my heart;
Yet I will endure sadness for it opens my soul
I will acknowledge rewards for they are my due;
Yet I will welcome obstacles for they are my challenge."
~Og Mandino

this summer has been hard for me. I had hoped to have a really awesome job where i traveled somewhere and worked with a big group of other believers, but that plan fell through. so instead, i have been here in Fort Mill working at the Chick-Fil-A inside Carowinds. i really enjoy working with the people i do, but i don't like the job itself. and just to let you know, if you don't like a job, it gets pretty torturous some days.

so all i've done this summer is go to work, come home, babysit, come home. for those of you who don't know me too well, if i stay home too long, i get the worst case of stir-craziness. but when my other option is work, i would rather stay home.

also, my biggest regret right now is not getting a job in high school. if i had, i would have a car right now. i'm beating myself up for it because i am paying for that mistake this summer. fyi... it's pretty hard to get places if you don't have a car!

SO...
i feel like i have wasted my summer feeling sorry for myself and trying to understand WHY IN THE WORLD would this be God's plan for me this summer. in my quiet times recently, i have been learning how to have poverty of the spirit [Matthew 5:3]

           poverty of spirit: humbleness; realizing that I AM NOTHING and GOD IS EVERYTHING; put      myself aside

this morning focused on how personal possessions can prevent poverty of the spirit. my first thought was, "this doesn't apply to me. i'm not gonna get anything out of this." oh how i was wrong! that was only the beginning of it!

God convicted me that i have been over obsessing about getting a car and all of this STUFF i want. after i get a car, there will be something else i want. maybe more clothes, more dorm decorations, more of this, more of that, and the list could go on and on. but it has to STOP. i have more than enough IN CHRIST. all of this STUFF doesn't matter because in 100 years it will all be in a junk yard or in a stranger's house.

"The objects of this present life fill the human eye with a false magnification because of their immediacy"

after i learned about poverty of the spirit, i read a day out of "Jesus Calling." it said to be THANKFUL in whatever circumstance. not to take things for granted. my favorite sentence from it: "You take for granted life, salvation, sunshine, flowers, and countless other gifts from Me. You look for what is wrong and refuse to enjoy life until that is 'fixed'"

not only that, but then tonight, i opened a package from a dear friend with the quote above in it and an encouraging letter that was just what i needed right now. she encouraged me not to wait until the end of summer to live.

each day is an opportunity to live life to the fullest. 
TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THAT. isn't that why Jesus came? (John 10:10)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A3YfJX8QbDQ

The Little Things

Luke 16:10-11 is talking mostly about "worldly wealth", but I love this verse for showing me other truths. If God can't trust me with a little responsibility, He can't trust me with bigger responsibilities.

A little tidbit about me: I like to skip the process. I like to go straight to leadership positions. At work, I have to bite my tongue so I don't end up doing the managers' job.

My point...I am not patient with the little things. If it doesn't look important, I'd rather do something that seems more worth my while. But how can God trust me to witness to the world if I am not willing to talk about Christ with ONE person? 

I want God to use me but I can't skip the "little" responsibilities He has picked out for me. I put "little" in quotations because if God wants me to do it, it is NOT little. It may seem little to me because I can't see the big picture. God love to use small moments for His big plans.

Nothing GOD does is little!

Sealed in Christ

 i looked over during service last Sunday and saw that the precious girl next to me had drawn this. i love the visual of the envelope. we ARE "sealed in Christ." but this is a special kind of seal...it can never be broken by our mistakes. God blows my mind. i feel like a piece of crap that doesn't deserve anything as wonderful as what God has given me. but it doesn't matter that i'm not perfect or anywhere close. my Father still loves me more than i can ever grasp and words can't describe how INCREDIBLE that is. WOW!!!

really...what's an hour compared to eternity?

recently i've been praying this prayer a lot: "God, help me be the kind of person that would do something like THAT". i pray it while i sit back and watch a stranger who needs help but has none. someone in need. today i was at walmart and this guy was getting a cart while i was getting one and going in.

picture this: he had his right leg in a cast, with one crutch under his right arm and the other in his cart. he was holding onto the cart with his left hand, using it as a crutch. he proceeded to hop down the aisle because he couldn't walk on his leg.

the reason i have such a detailed description of him is because i was watching the whole scene. that's the thing...i was watching  not doing.

you wanna hear one of my lame excuses? "we probably don't have time." and then i prayed that prayer. "God, help me be the kind of person that would help that guy" no matter what, because there will always be something else i could be doing. and of course, as usual, i did nothing about it.

my chick-fil-a manager told me during my interview: "we get approximately 30 to 60 seconds with each customer, and even though we want to get them to come back to chick-fil-a, our number one priority is to glorify God and make Him known in those 60 seconds."

wow. 60 seconds is all it takes sometimes because God can use anything. but sometimes it takes more. it may take walking around walmart pushing someone's cart for them and helping them buy groceries. that will take longer than a minute. most likely at the least 10 minutes. but what is 10 minutes in comparison to eternity? what is an hour compared to eternity? think about that...

I CHOOSE JESUS AND I'LL SHOUT IT TO THE WORLD

HOW BEAUTIFUL is complete surrender. saying "God, above all else, i want YOU. i don't care about anything else when it is compared to YOU."


 picture complete surrender. picture total passion and satisfaction. picture the perfect Love wanting YOU and forgiving our past and future no matter how bad, no matter how many times we have pushed Him away. picture blinders to the world so we can only see the glory of God though we are in the midst of this imperfect, heartbreaking world that somedays seems to be crashing down around us.

i do not deserve this and i am in awe that He would be willing to love me even though He watches me push Him away way to often. this is not an excuse to run away, but a reason to run TO Him. we should love Him more each day as we grow in Him and discover even more that He does for us.

let's all live our lives saying "I CHOOSE JESUS" let's shout it to the world by the way we live "I CHOOSE JESUS" let's show others by the way we love like Him "I CHOOSE JESUS" let's run, no let's SPRINT, from evil things saying "I CHOOSE JESUS" let's beg God for this kind of passion because "WE CHOOSE JESUS" let's not be lukewarm but be ON FIRE. "I CHOOSE JESUS"

change

a LOT has changed in the past year:

• i left home to go to college

i was scared and nervous, but SO excited to start this new stage of life. little did i know, it would change me drastically.

• i made new friends

when i started college, i NEVER expected to find friends as great as these lovely people. i was TERRIFIED of being lonely in college, but i've never felt so loved by such a community before.

• i attended a different church

i wasn't so sure how well my search for a church would go. i've always held everything i heard to the standard of first baptist church, fort mill. this church was everything to me growing up. but i've realized that even though i still absolutely love that church, it is not perfect and other churches can be just as great. i have found a church where i learn something new (or am hit in the face again with something i've already learned) from God each Sunday. i get so excited about church, not because some of my best friends go with me, but because i know that God has blessed that church for me and uses it to teach me what i need to hear.

• i became intentional about relationships

i used to be friends with whoever reached out to ME. but i have learned how to reach out to OTHERS. and those people usually become huge blessings to me. i have learned how to genuinely care about others and show them that i care.

• i realized i didn't have the personality i thought i did (or TRIED to have)

i've been living my life with the same people since i was 2 years old. so when i saw myself, i saw that awkward little lauren that i didn't like and i thought that was who i am. but it's not. i came to winthrop and realized that nobody knows my past; nobody has expectations for me. i could choose who i wanted to be. 

• i found the real "me"

this has to do a lot with the last section about finding my personality. but a few weeks ago i was thinking...college is where i get to find out who i am, right? so who am i? i couldn't really answer that question yet because i was thinking about personality. my personality is not done changing, but that doesn't define who i am. I AM A SERVANT OF CHRIST, HIS DAUGHTER, HIS LOVER, HIS FRIEND. i realized that the ONLY times when i really know who i am is when i completely hide myself in Christ.

• i am bold.

what?! it's hard for me to see myself and who i am from an outside perspective. i see that timid, shy lauren that probably only said 10 words to her kindergarten teacher the whole year. someone wrote me a letter recently and listed some of my characteristics. the last one was "bold". i just re-read that letter and stopped there for a minute. whenever people describe me, i get the usual "sweet," "nice," "kind," etc. and sure, those are fantastic, but "bold" has never been in that list. i love it. i WANT to be bold for Christ.

• and now some of the new people i met are graduating and/or moving

i was SO excited about my new community that God gave me. everything was going so great...and then came the end of the year. people were graduating and/or moving. one of the last cru meetings, we prayed for all of them as they are about to begin a new journey... somewhere else. i hated it. i absolutely hated it. i was mad at God for taking them away from me. then He reminded me that HE was the One who gave them to me in the first place. and it was so incredible to have them in my life for the short time that i did. and i am sure i will see them all again someday. God also showed me that i was pulling away from Him to try to make room for them for the few last weeks of school; He convicted me that i wasn't making room in my heart for Him because i was terrified of losing my new community.

bottom line...God has been there through it all. i have been absolutely terrible about making Him part of my everyday life. but even when i reject Him, He stands there with open arms for whenever i'm broken and realize my need for Him. through all the change this past year, i couldn't have made it without Him. i wouldn't have had such an incredible first semester without Him and i wouldn't have survived my second semester without Him. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3B-udGxwLV0

let God make the difference

So I'm in Human Experience class (literally... I'm still in class!). We are doing final presentations today. I presented mine one week ago, and normally when someone gives a presentation, I assume that everything that was said will be forgotten a couple days later. But i was just proven wrong. In my presentation, I explained how I can be walking on Scholars Walk and see a person but have no idea what is really going on in their head. I don't know their past or their pains. And when I hear people speak, I am often surprised. I challenge everybody to really get to know people instead of immediately judging them (and I will be the first to admit that I am terrible at this)


But that is another point. My point here is that a guy stood up today to give his presentation and referenced what I had said in mine a week ago. This guy is the type of guy that gets drunk, comes to class with a hangover, and doesn't try in school. He didn't make a PowerPoint for his presentation just because he didn't want to. He was the last person I would have expected to remember something I said. He didn't remember who said it, but that doesn't matter.


It's not that I wanted him to remember this point, but it just reminded me that PEOPLE DO LISTEN. What we say matters. This guy didn't remember me...he remembered what I said. So let's use our words for God. Let's put Him in more conversations. It will make a difference. It will be GOD using us to make a difference.


What better way to spend our lives than to let God use us?

"with God all things are possible"

i came across this picture while going through Amanda Patterson's pictures. the caption with this one was: "Stop where you are. Pause. Look around...and praise the Holy Creator. His works are beautiful and good." 


so i stopped and thought about this. trees are such an everything thing. we see them all the time. but they are so beautiful. all of His creation is. and then i thought "but man planted them; they obviously didn't grow in these perfect rows" but GOD created them. GOD created the seeds they come from. 


and then i started thinking about the seeds these trees come from. they are so tiny and they come out as these big trees. 

our faith may start small, but God has the power to grow it beyond what we ever could imagine. if i didn't know that seeds turned into trees, i wouldn't believe it when someone told me that big tree came from that little seed.

"with God all things are possible" Matthew 19:26b

i'm rich and God just smacked me in the face.

dude! i am so selfish. i am filthy rich compared to most of the world and i have been worrying about money for the past week more than i have my whole life. i just found out that i didn't get the summer job i applied for. it was my last hope for a summer job. i had tried others, but they apparently weren't God's plan for me this summer.

so here i am with no way to make money this summer and no car. my thoughts all morning were "i NEED a car." i could hear God saying "really? do you really NEED a car?" i reluctantly replied "i don't NEED one, but i reeeally want one." i'm so tired of bothering people to give me rides everywhere. i'm sick of it and i want a car so badly.

so i've been sulking this morning about not having a car and not having a way to provide money to get the car. then i remembered a video on youtube that i found a while ago but haven't had time to watch it. i know it's long, but just watch the first 5 minutes and see what i mean when i said God just smacked me in the face!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pBhqrtMqrv8&list=WL85FCA1A4166A061F&feature=mh_lolz

i can live without a car and you have no idea how hard it is for me to admit that. i've been telling myself this whole week that God has a plan for my summer and it's better than any plan i can come up with. my head knows that...i'm still trying to convince the rest of me of this truth. whatever happens happens; it's in God's hands now. i feel so out of control. i have to trust God...there's nothing else for me to do.

satisfaction

so i've been trying to find satisfaction recently and i've been looking for it in all the wrong places.

for example, i am learning how to open up to people instead of bottling everything up. in the process, i get sooo frustrated with myself because i can't explain what i feel. i keep thinking if only someone could just look inside me and see what i feel and know how i feel and understand. HA. I'M SO DUMB. there is totally Someone who can do that and does that all the time. God is the Giver of ultimate peace and satisfaction. i have never felt the way i do around Him with anyone else. HE gives satisfaction. HE is what i need. HE is what i've been waiting for.

left speechless by an 8th grader

I disciple this amazing 8th grader every Sunday night and i just couldn't be happier when i listen to her talk! She said something tonight that left me speechless. She was talking about going to high school next year and hardly knowing anyone there. Most people would have expected that she would be afraid, but no! she told me how excited she is for "more people to hear about how awesome Jesus is"!

what if every time we went somewhere we thought: these are more people I can share Christ with!! think about how different this world would be!

then she was telling me what she remembered from becoming a Christ-follower. she said her knees were shaking with excitement and that night she was trying to sleep but couldn't because she was so happy that her sin slate was 100% clean! while she was recalling these memories, she had such life and joy in her voice; her eyes were sparkling! it was so great to see someone so excited about her salvation! this summer she will have been a Christ-follower for 2 years.

what if we were THIS excited about our salvation every day? think about how different this world would be!

she also told me that the word Christian was only used in the New Testament twice; they were usually called disciples. so she was talking about how excited she is to be a disciple for Christ!

disciple: "a person who is a pupil or an adherent of the doctrines of another; follower"

a hard, eye-opening Human Experience class

so today in human experience class, we talked about religion diversity. it made me realize that within the class, i am the minority of the majority. the majority claim to be "Christians". i am the minority being a true Christ-follower. i was called out several times. let me tell ya...the words "i don't wanna call anybody out, but i'm going to because i don't care" followed by a look in your direction tends to make your heart beat 3x faster than it was before!! several questions were directed toward me, which i was totally okay with. i was able to flat out share the Gospel and i also got to explain that i sin ALL THE TIME but am covered by the blood of Jesus. the professor directly asked ME several questions instead of directing it towards the whole class. at one point, i even had to tell him, "to be honest, i don't know." i didn't like not knowing, but he said that's what he was going for...he wanted to drill me until i didn't know the answer.

one guy asked what it means to get "saved." i had about 2 seconds to think and 30 seconds to answer before other people interrupted. this made me realize that i won't always have half an hour to explain what i believe in. sometimes i will only have 30 seconds to fit in whatever i can. also, most people don't understand Christianese...even Christ-followers. i had a tough time explaining the word "saved" to him because we use it so much in church that it's become a term that Christians "just know".

so...today was definitely eye-opening. i also realized that i am not an arguer...it's not my specialty!! but my prayer was that God spoke through me and that because they were HIS words and not mine, that they would stick in their heads.

pride...it's an issue

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qnrJVTSYLr8&feature=context&context=G2b98d22RVAAAAAAAAAQ


pride is an issue for ALL of us. and if we say we don't have a pride issue, that's us being prideful. if we care about what others think, that's pride. if we hide when we feel weak, that's pride. and there are SO many more examples of things i do EVERY SINGLE DAY that show my pridefulness that i never even knew was being prideful.

what's the opposite of pride? brokenness. complete brokenness.

how do we get there? to be honest, i don't know. that's something we need to ask God to help us with.

Trust

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_DmlEXJaQ2s&feature=endscreen&NR=1

Trust is hard. I don't really know how to trust God every minute of my life. I know He is what i need but i'm struggling with what that looks like in my daily life. my friend gave me a great word picture for trust: she takes dance classes...like ballroom dancing. she explained how it took her forever to be able to trust her partner enough to just fall. at one point, he let go of her just to show her that she was still holding herself up. he told her that if he ever let go, she should fall to the ground. she should trust him enough that when he isn't holding her, she falls because she was putting all her weight and trust on him.

"Caught in a war zone"

i woke up this morning with song lyrics stuck in my head, but i couldn't remember what song it was, who sings it, or any other lyrics...i just heard something about my faith and being "torn between the truth and the liar."

as i was listening to music while writing up an interview for education, the song came on and i just stopped and said, "God, this is my song!!!"  i was about to proceed with what i was doing when i decided to take a 2 minute break and just listen to the words. i loved them so much that i wanted to share them with y'all:

War Zone: Building 429
We're all in combat for our lives
we're fighting the fear that we won't survive
and our only hope now is laying our weapons down
and falling into your arms

my faith is worn
and my hands are tired
my heart is torn
between the truth and the liar


so i run 'cause I'M DONE AND I NEED YOU
You're the One that will come to my rescue
my flesh and bones are caught in a war zone

this is the struggle; this is the curse
We're caught in the middle of Heaven and earth
and our only hope now is laying our pride down
and falling into Your arms


my faith is worn
and my hands are tired
my heart is torn
between the truth and the liar


so i run 'cause I'M DONE AND I NEED YOU
You're the One that will come to my rescue
my flesh and bones are caught in a war zone




ever wonder why it's so hard to be on earth some days? it's because we don't belong here... this is not our home. we are "caught in a war zone": we are on God's side, but in the enemy's territory. but we know the outcome of this war and God is the Winner. we are on the winning side. war is always hard, but it's worth it in the end. when this is all over and we are standing in front of the One who made everything that's beautiful, the stars, the sunrise over the horizon, the birds singing on a summer day, we won't have a care in the world other than worshipping our Creator! Glorifiying HIM is our purpose on and off this earth. imagine what it will feel like to be doing  just what we were made to do... ALL THE TIME! in the meantime, we can still glorify Him on this earth!

it's like those moments when you are worshipping and you just stand there and say "God, THIS is what i was made for! finally, i feel like i'm where i'm supposed to be." and that could look differently for all of us. for me, my favorite way to worship is by singing, but that doesn't have to be everyone's favorite way. someone told me once that they would be perfectly fine if we took out all singing in church and just had the preacher because that's one of his favorite ways to worship. maybe it's getting out into your mission field or something completely different. the point is we were made to worship HIM and THAT'S when we will feel that perfect moment of "so THIS is why i'm alive" :)

HOPE

"Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down , the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock." Matthew 7:24-25

Recently, this is what I’ve felt like…beat down by the rain, drowned by the streams, and battered by the winds of life. It’s so hard and I’ve been waiting for myself to completely lose it, but it’s not happening. Sure, I’ve had a breakdown and a whole lot of days where I feel like I don’t have the energy to go on, but I know where to turn and I have hope.

Today in Human Experience class, we talked about evolution, which turned into a conversation about the meaning of life. The author of the story we read thinks our whole purpose in life is to reproduce and pass on our DNA. it was heartbreaking when one of the guys in my class actually agreed with him. He doesn’t see any real purpose in life.

in Christ, I have HOPE: “the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best”

I have HOPE!! My life has PURPOSE. Every day that I’m not dead, I know that He is not done with me yet and He has more plans for my life and I can’t wait to see what they are!

now that we have this hope, we need to share it with others...this is too good to keep to ourselves!!

something's REALLY wrong with me!

I was talking to my roommate on the phone for 2 and a half hours today while she was driving back to Winthrop and we were talking about so many deep conversations it was ridiculous!!

i was talking some things out in this conversation and telling her how some things kept me from worshipping like i should have at church this morning and i was almost in tears when i told her: God SAVED me. He freely gave me FREEDOM and i don't HAVE to worry about any of these things i'm worrying about in life at all and i COULDN'T WORSHIP HIM?? SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH ME!

"Sweep me away, sweep me away in Your love
where nothing else matters"
~Sweep Me Away by Kari Jobe

prayer

God, help me be less about me, more about others, and most about You.

studying is realizing how little i know

you know how you wonder "why" for years and then when God finally gives you the answer, you're so excited you don't know what to do with yourself?!

well, i remember that i used to struggle with pridefulness (and still do some days). i used to always compare myself to the world when i looked to see how "good" i was until God told me that i was looking on the wrong scale...i should be looking at the scale with only Him and me on it....then i see that i am terribly low on the 'good' scale. 

when i was trying to stop be so prideful, i wondered how i could do that if i kept studying the Bible..i mean, if i study it more, i'm gonna gain more knowledge and be smarter, right? which means i would be even higher on the 'good' scale? 

well, first of all, i should ALWAYS compare myself to GOD rather than other humans because they are in the same boat that i am...living in a sinful world.

secondly, i was talking with a friend tonight and we were discussing how the more we study our Bibles, the more we realize how little we actually know. That is the most jam-packed Book i've ever started to read!!! and after i read a part, i have a million questions for God! there is no possible human way for me to read the whole Bible, understand all of it, and get everything there is to get out of God's Word...especially in my short little lifetime.

 but i have to try to get the most out of God's Word that i can in my lifetime, which requires a lot of prayer! i mean, it's GOD'S words...i always think how i wish i could know what He is thinking..well, His Book to us is the best place to start!

i know that i can't do anything without God's help and He is showing me that more and more recently!

indescribable security

"For I am the Lord, your God,
who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you, Do not fear;
I will help you."
~Isaiah 41:13

I love this picture because it shows the bigger, stronger hand coming down from above and the child's hand going straight across as if the child didn't have to go out of her reach because the strong hand came to her where she was at and took her by the hand. The strong hand knew that the child could not reach him on her own because she is too little and weak, so he reached out for her; all she had to do was grab it and hold on and rest in his hand. i see a sense of security in this picture that can only be found in a Father/daughter relationship.

The "Little" Things

1) yesterday while i was running, God laid a person on my heart so i said a special prayer for her and when i texted her that today, she almost started crying because of the perfect timing.

2) today on my run, my prayer was that i don't waste time, that i wake up in the morning with a passion to live my life for the glory of Christ and fall asleep at night exhausted and content because my life glorified God that day. then i got back to my room and read a day from Jesus Calling and guess what it was about?!! yeah.. living my life each day for Christ and how to let God prepare you each day by spending time with Him!!

3) a friend told me how she runs and prays so i decided to see if it would help me and it wasn't til just now that i see how much it IS helping me and giving me incredible time with Christ...it's like our date time each day just to talk!! for my quiet time, i usually read my Bible or a study book or something along those lines which is great, but i don't usually take a lot of time just to talk to Him and hear what He has to say to me that day.

...so it's the "little" things that make each day worth living. those "little" encounters with God make a HUGE difference. i wish i could remember all of them, but there is no possible way i could because there are so many....so many more than i even see.

His sovereignty never ceases to amaze me!!...His perfect timing, the way He coordinates everything to work out for our good even if we can't see it then, the way He uses the rough times to make mind-blowing days afterwards...i wish i could describe it, but if i could, it wouldn't be as wonderful!!!

the Light and the lamp

"You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven." Matthew 5:14-16

GOD is the Light; I am the lamp; not the source of the Light, but the tool.

to be victorious, we have to fall

     "You can achieve the victorious
life through living in deep dependence on Me.
People usually associate victory with success: not
falling or stumbling, not making mistakes. But those
who are successful in their own strength tend to go
their own way, forgetting about Me. it is through
problems and failure, weakness and neediness that
you learn to rely on Me.
     True dependence is not simply asking Me to bless
what you have decided to do. It is coming to Me with
an open mind and heart, inviting Me to plant My
desires within you. I may infuse within you a dream
that seems far beyond your reach. You know that in
yourself you cannot achieve such a goal. Thus begins
your journey of profound reliance on me. It is a faith-
walk, taken one step at a time, leaning on Me as much
as you need. This is not a path of continual success but
of multiple failures. However, each failure is followed
by a growth spurt, nourished by increased reliance on
Me. Enjoy the blessedness of a victorious life, through
deepening your dependence on Me."
~your Heavenly Father

Psalm 34:17-18
2Corinthians 5:7

(from Jesus Calling by Sarah Young)

my 'gods' are just as bad as statues

"I will praise You, O Lord, with all my heart;
before the 'gods' I will sing Your praise."
Psalm 138:1

i've been taught almost my whole life that 'gods' in our lives aren't just statues, because if they were the only other 'gods' we could worship, i would be thinking that i've lived a great life, faithful to God because i've never bowed down to a statue.

but there's SO much more on this Earth that can be our 'gods', that distract us from God, that we put ABOVE God and place on the throne of our lives that is meant just for God. it might be money, music, popularity, etc....

so my gods might not be statues, but they hurt God just as much. 

reading this verse, i can't help but picture what it would be like if i set aside trying to 'fit it,' set aside my favorite outfits, set aside my ipod, etc and just stood in the presence of the Almighty God and praise Him.

that's what i love about worship services. i know we can worship in ways throughout our days and it doesn't take a church service to praise God, but i use worship services as a time to refuel and let God re-energize me and remind me why i'm even here on this earth. i can put everything aside and just stand in His glorious presence and sing praises to my King, my Friend, forever my Lover!