Vulnerable

I was just re-reading a blog post made about me last year as a freshman. One of the juniors was super excited about my faith. As I read it, I guess I was just looking for some encouragement. My first reaction was "I can't believe someone was this excited about me." But that didn't sound right. Let's re-phrase that because I CAN believe someone was that excited about God. 

Another thought comes to mind: where is that freshman girl now? Where is that girl who was so vulnerable to what God had planned for her and where He wanted to use her that she blurted out to her whole class on the first day that she is obsessed with Jesus?

A part of me wants her back. But I'm a new kind of vulnerable now. I'm so far thrown out of my comfort zone that I cling to God because I know that if I don't I can't survive each day. I've grown more during this crazy, hectic semester than I did this summer when I was bored beyond what I could stand. That doesn't make sense at first, but then I realize that this summer I didn't see as much of a need for God. As awful as that sounds, I tried to handle things myself. I knew I wasn't fine, but I was able to ignore that feeling. Then the school year started and I couldn't ignore that feeling any longer.

I NEED HIM. I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT HIM.     I don't say those words lightly, but I say them with a weighted down heart. I say them as I remember all the brokenness I've experienced this semester and as I remember a feeling I had never felt before: deep hopelessness. This semester I learned how to say "break me, God" when I didn't know what else there was to break. I learned how to trust that God has everything in His hands and He doesn't need my help, just my surrender.