trying too hard to be strong makes you weak.

for the past several months, all i've wanted to do is cry, but i couldn't. the tears just wouln't fall so i always put on a happy face for people because i was worried that i couldn't explain things well or that i would be a bother to them if i told them everything. that's what i told myself anyway, but i really don't know if i truly believed it. 

i probably cry about once every 2 months. crying is such a great emotional release. but when i hold it in, i'm carrying around 2 months worth of burdens and pains in my heart 'til my heart finally breaks. i never really knew why my heart was so heavy until God showed me yesterday.

we had Foster Christy come speak at our church and he told us about people who try too hard to be strong when they are really very weak. i can't remember if it was him or my youth pastor that said that sometimes you just need to cry out to God saying "I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE." 

i finally broke and came to that point, crying out "I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE." i've been trying for so long to put on my happy face and pretend like i'm strong that i didn't know what to do with myself when i felt weak, so i tried to cover it up.

i'm slowly learning how to open up instead of keeping everything hidden. it's a process. 

a friend told me how to start relying on God rather than myself by continually staying in the Word and praying. she showed me the importance of constantly being with Him, praying often, and spending time in His Word even if i don't feel like it but i know that i NEED it. she explained that that is not legalism. where legalism is doing it to check it off a list, i need to read the Word because i know that i am in desperate NEED of God's Words in my life.

she explained the meaning of prayer to me. even though God already knows everything, praying is more like saying, "God, i know you already know this, but i'm acknowledging that i need  you and that i can't do this in my own power."

"You then, my son, be strong in the grace that is in Christ Jesus." 2 Timothy 2:1

~this doesn't require for ME to do anything other than following God wherever He leads me and falling on HIM while using HIS strength, not mine. because mine won't cut it.