to be victorious, we have to fall

     "You can achieve the victorious
life through living in deep dependence on Me.
People usually associate victory with success: not
falling or stumbling, not making mistakes. But those
who are successful in their own strength tend to go
their own way, forgetting about Me. it is through
problems and failure, weakness and neediness that
you learn to rely on Me.
     True dependence is not simply asking Me to bless
what you have decided to do. It is coming to Me with
an open mind and heart, inviting Me to plant My
desires within you. I may infuse within you a dream
that seems far beyond your reach. You know that in
yourself you cannot achieve such a goal. Thus begins
your journey of profound reliance on me. It is a faith-
walk, taken one step at a time, leaning on Me as much
as you need. This is not a path of continual success but
of multiple failures. However, each failure is followed
by a growth spurt, nourished by increased reliance on
Me. Enjoy the blessedness of a victorious life, through
deepening your dependence on Me."
~your Heavenly Father

Psalm 34:17-18
2Corinthians 5:7

(from Jesus Calling by Sarah Young)

my 'gods' are just as bad as statues

"I will praise You, O Lord, with all my heart;
before the 'gods' I will sing Your praise."
Psalm 138:1

i've been taught almost my whole life that 'gods' in our lives aren't just statues, because if they were the only other 'gods' we could worship, i would be thinking that i've lived a great life, faithful to God because i've never bowed down to a statue.

but there's SO much more on this Earth that can be our 'gods', that distract us from God, that we put ABOVE God and place on the throne of our lives that is meant just for God. it might be money, music, popularity, etc....

so my gods might not be statues, but they hurt God just as much. 

reading this verse, i can't help but picture what it would be like if i set aside trying to 'fit it,' set aside my favorite outfits, set aside my ipod, etc and just stood in the presence of the Almighty God and praise Him.

that's what i love about worship services. i know we can worship in ways throughout our days and it doesn't take a church service to praise God, but i use worship services as a time to refuel and let God re-energize me and remind me why i'm even here on this earth. i can put everything aside and just stand in His glorious presence and sing praises to my King, my Friend, forever my Lover!

i'll bring You more than a song!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&feature=endscreen&v=4OvebMRWU_g

1) "when the music fades, 
all is stripped away
and i simply come"

   i sometimes take my shoes off when i worship. this started recently. i guess it's a symbol to me of coming before God without anything but ME...and not the "me" that i let others see, but the REAL "me." my shoes symbolize my burdens, busyness, everyday life, outward appearance, trying to look like a "good Christian", etc. and when i take them off, all that's left is "me" no strings attached. it's me before God saying "i'm here before You with everything else behind me. i took off everything so i can be closer to You because You are all that matters to me right now." other things matter too much to me some days, but in those few minutes of worshipping without shoes, nothing else in the world matters.

2) "You search much deeper within
through the way things appear
You're looking into my heart"

      i've had a problem for a long time about not opening up to people. i'm getting better at it, but so many things in my life have burned me and made me think i couldn't say what was on my mind (especially if it sounded stupid). but one of the incredible things about God is that He doesn't just see what i let Him. He sees so much more than even i can see of myself. He looks deeper than the surface that i purposefully put out there! i absolutely LOVE that about Him!!!

3) "i'm sorry, Lord for the thing i've made it
when it's all about You
all about You, Jesus"

    i've mentioned this in an earlier blog, but sometimes i get so caught up in hearing my own voice while singing worship, making sure it sounds decent for the people around me, that i can't hear HIS voice. sometimes, i just love singing loud with the people of God, worshipping together as a body of Christ! but also sometimes when i start listening to myself more than God, i need to just be silent or sing quietly so i don't let myself get in the way of God getting the worship and praise He deserves.
     another thing, sometimes there are so many trials in my life that i let them define who i am. and when i come to worship Him, they are all i think about. i don't take just a few minutes to focus on the fact that it IS all about HIM. i find myself CONSTANTLY telling God about my problems and He wants me to talk to Him about them, but He also wants me to just listen to what He has to say to me.

4) "though i'm weak and poor
all i have is Yours
every single breath"

    i've been trying too hard to be strong on the outside that i haven't realized how WEAK i really am on the inside. part of my worship without shoes is saying that i don't "wear the shoes in this relationship." i am "weak and poor" and i will stay weak unless i give all i have to God, including my trials that i'm holding on to (pause. why am i even holding on to these trials? wouldn't it be easier to give them up? i don't understand humanity somedays!!)

"i'll bring You more than a song!"

fairytale

fairytales always have happy endings. but sometimes in the middle of movies, i just want to skip to the happy ending instead of watching all the sad parts, but i never do because the ending wouldn't be as great without the sad parts.

the fairytale isn't good without the sad parts because we watch the happy ending in light of the troubles.

this morning, God told me that my life is like that. if everything seemed fantastic all the time, i wouldn't be growing and moving toward my happy ending. my happy ending will be when i am in Heaven worshipping God with no troubles at all. 

"I said, 'Oh, that I had the wings of a dove!

I would fly away and be at rest-

I would flee far away 

and stay in the desert;             Selah

I would hurry to my place of shelter,

far from the tempest and storm.'"

Psalm 55:6-8

there have been so many times this past week that, if i could, i would run away from everything. all of my troubles seemed too much somedays. but God is using them to plan my happy ending. i will never be perfect, but the more He grows me, the more He opens my eyes, the more i am like Him and that's where i want to be, no matter how many trials i have to endure. and the great news is that i don't even have to endure them alone. God is right beside me the whole way giving me strength to persevere!

i love it when God tells you one things so many times in so many different ways in less than 12 hours!! all of this happened this morning before church. then a friend explained to me that it's okay not to fix everything at one time because growing is a process. 

THEN i went to service and my pastor was preaching about growth!! 

God definitely got my attention today! 

imagine this

word picture:

imagine you are in a fire. a fire of sin, human nature, pain, hatred, helplessness. then God rescues you from this fire the day you allow Him to change your life.
you still have the burns on your legs, so you can't walk on your own. you are holding onto God to keep you up. but when you let go because you think you've got it, you fall and you try to work your legs hard, but they just end up in more pain and weakness because you thought you were stronger than you really are so you let God help you again. these burns will always be there until you get to Heaven. some burns go away and you start walking better than before, but you still need God. you are still weak. the burns that are left can be sin weighing you down or if nothing else, just your human nature that will never be perfect on this earth.

keep walking, but you can't walk without God. He is your strength. He is your Crutch. Without Him you can't get anywhere. Rely on Him.

i am telling myself the same thing! :)

trying too hard to be strong makes you weak.

for the past several months, all i've wanted to do is cry, but i couldn't. the tears just wouln't fall so i always put on a happy face for people because i was worried that i couldn't explain things well or that i would be a bother to them if i told them everything. that's what i told myself anyway, but i really don't know if i truly believed it. 

i probably cry about once every 2 months. crying is such a great emotional release. but when i hold it in, i'm carrying around 2 months worth of burdens and pains in my heart 'til my heart finally breaks. i never really knew why my heart was so heavy until God showed me yesterday.

we had Foster Christy come speak at our church and he told us about people who try too hard to be strong when they are really very weak. i can't remember if it was him or my youth pastor that said that sometimes you just need to cry out to God saying "I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE." 

i finally broke and came to that point, crying out "I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE." i've been trying for so long to put on my happy face and pretend like i'm strong that i didn't know what to do with myself when i felt weak, so i tried to cover it up.

i'm slowly learning how to open up instead of keeping everything hidden. it's a process. 

a friend told me how to start relying on God rather than myself by continually staying in the Word and praying. she showed me the importance of constantly being with Him, praying often, and spending time in His Word even if i don't feel like it but i know that i NEED it. she explained that that is not legalism. where legalism is doing it to check it off a list, i need to read the Word because i know that i am in desperate NEED of God's Words in my life.

she explained the meaning of prayer to me. even though God already knows everything, praying is more like saying, "God, i know you already know this, but i'm acknowledging that i need  you and that i can't do this in my own power."

"You then, my son, be strong in the grace that is in Christ Jesus." 2 Timothy 2:1

~this doesn't require for ME to do anything other than following God wherever He leads me and falling on HIM while using HIS strength, not mine. because mine won't cut it.

you wanna change? i do!

In order to change your future, you have to change today.

meditate on that thought.

prayer works!

i've been struggling for the past several months, probably even over a year, with prayer. not only do i feel uncomfortable when praying outloud, but i don't understand why prayer works if God already knows everything. i've been told prayer works, so i think i tried to believe it in my head, but my heart was doubtful.

well, tonight God answered my prayer by answering a prayer!! a friend was having a hard time this afternoon so i told her i would pray and i did right then. i stopped and really took time to pray for her, not just a "fly by" prayer, but a real, thoughtful, hopeful prayer. about 30 minutes later, she texted me back this: "Did you? Because it's weird but I've felt so much better like this past half hour" she further explained the lasting peace that she's had for the rest of the day. my mind was pretty much blown. i am speechless. like what just happened? God moment just happened yo!!!

so yeah...God answered TWO prayers tonight!! i KNOW that He answers prayer. i'm still struggling with WHY, but i know He DOES.

i am a snail ???

my roommate and i bought fish together and she got a snail, but she gave it to me because it was too dirty.

so today i was cleaning his bowl (which was NASTY!) and i got him into a jar with clean water while i cleaned the fish bowl. he didn't want to go anywhere i lead him. i had to push him along until he couldn't hold on anymore. i was getting a little frustrated for a minute because he didn't understand that i knew what was best for him.

i was just thinking how much me and this snail have in common. first of all, i am "dirty" with sin and God is trying to "clean me up." even though i am already perfect in His sight, He wants me to be the best child i can be. second of all, God ALWAYS knows what's best for me and yet i don't always trust Him. i move so slow that i can only see what's immediately in front of me and i hold on to it, unsure of what might happen if i let go.

i'm sure my snail was scared as he was falling into the jar of clean water, but it was what was best for him even if he couldn't see that. i'm scared sometimes and would rather sit in my dirt, but afterwards, i see how God used it for the best for me.