You

A random childhood memory that I have not thought about in months just popped into my head. When I was in middle school, there was this high school girl that I wanted to be just like. I wanted to walk like her, talk like her, dress like her, I wanted to be her. So I (very creepily!) watched her every move so I could learn what I was supposed to be like.

I thought I had her figured out...she was a tomboy. And she was cool. She was fun to be around and everyone liked her. She wasn't really girly and I liked that. So I slowly stopped wearing jewelry, dressed up as little as possible, and worked on my "cool" mannerisms and faces in private...I had now declared myself a tomboy. Just like my role model. 

And then one day, I sat behind her in church and I saw something that literally crushed me...her nails were painted! Was she hiding a girly side? What about being a tomboy? I was having an identity crisis...who am I if this girl isn't who I thought she was? 

As I repeat this story, I realize how ridiculous I was. But I'm learning a lot from this childhood memory...when I thought about the advice I'd take from this story, I immediately thought "just be you." I wanted to scream at my middle-school self "just be YOU!" 

You is quite a word. You is different for everyone. You's are like snowflakes...no 2 you's are alike. 

This girl has no idea how much I watched her, how desperately I tried to be like her. What if she was doing the same thing to someone else? What if while I was trying to be her, she was trying to be someone else? Now that would cause a lot of identity crisis'! 

My point is that there is no rule book on how to be you. Even though we think society has made an unwritten list of do's and dont's, there are no right and wrong answers. Pave the way; make your own path; just be you and learn to love it! 

Refined Silver

What does worship really mean?

I've grown up looking at worship as being moved by the Spirit to raise your hands while the praise band sings or closing your eyes and having an intimate moment with God. But if that were the only way, then we couldn't worship when we aren't in that wonderful revival mode.

I was reminded recently that we can honor God just as well by what we do when we DON'T want to praise Him. Let's say we're mad at Him...He doesn't want us to fake a good time while the music plays at church or pretend like we never stray from Him. Just like we all get mad at our closest friends at times, we all get mad at God sometimes. But as our close friendships prove, it's how we react that matters...if we react correctly, we come out stronger and closer to Him. He knows very well that we are not perfect children and He doesn't want us to pretend that we are. He doesn't expect us to be on a spiritual high for our entire lives. In fact, He doesn't want us to be. He sends fire to make us stronger. This doesn't mean we should take a break from worshiping God. This is where worship may even be the strongest, depending on how we react.

In her book "As Silver Refined," Kay Arthur describes how silver goes from being impure to pure, dirty to spotless, invaluable to precious. And the process always includes fire...lots and lots of fire.

The refiner sets the silver in his crucible and the crucible in the fire. And there he waits... and waits... and waits... and then the silver starts melting and as it melts, the impurities which are still solid rise to the top. The refiner scrapes off the impurities, leaving the silver to continue melting, the impurities to keep escaping, as he continues to scrape off the ugliness which was once embedded in the silver. He takes the crucible out of the fire for a little while and then puts it back in for the silver to melt yet again. As more and more impurities are taken out of the silver, the refiner's reflection in the silver becomes clearer and clearer.

Kay Arthur says that we are the melting silver. Our Refiner puts us in the fire on purpose and yes, it hurts, but it makes us more beautiful, more reflective of Him, and the best part is...He never leaves our side. He is there protecting us the whole time, making sure the fire doesn't get too hot for us to handle.

Do you want something to look forward to? One day we will be completely refined, beautiful, finished products of silver that reflect God's face more purely than ever. We will be done with the fire. There will be no more impurities in us and no more chances for us to fail. This day is looking more and more beautiful the older I get and the more impurities I discover. But what I keep forgetting is that God sees us as pure now. When He looks at us, He sees perfection, holiness, and righteousness even though He hasn't finished sifting out our impurities.

The Ultimate vs. The Immediate

The cause of 

most of man's 

unhappiness 

is sacrificing 

what he wants most 

for what he wants now 

-Gordon B. Hinckley-

Redeeming Love

Reading the book Redeeming Love [by Francine Rivers] makes my heart ache for that kind of love. so pure. so genuine. so passionate. so undeserving. I can just feel it...the warm embrace of a man who makes me feel safe, who takes me away from all that's bad in this world with just one glance, someone i know loves me with such passion that he forgets to breathe when he looks at me.

Then I realize that I already have that love. And like Sarah/Angel/Amanda, I don't just fall into this coveted love because I am waiting for a catch. I'm still trying to understand it. So I keep my distance. I can't count how many times I've tried to run away from God. For whatever reason...whether i felt too ashamed of my own sin to be with Him or maybe it just hurt too much to let someone get that close within me. Maybe I'm afraid this is too good to be true or maybe I'd just rather be in control of my own life so I can keep from getting hurt.

I always question whether love is genuine. Love has failed me time after time and will continue to fail me as long as my desire is for the world to love me. But then occasionally, I find a love on earth that seems too good to be true. And yet i know it's true because when i look into their eyes i see nothing but love, when i break they cry for me, when i'm too afraid to say that i'm not okay they say it for me. And that's when i know beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is a God who loves me.

The key word is love. when i see purely selfless love in the middle of this self-centered world, I know there is a God. When I see love despite all the times I've hurt God, I know He is my hosea, my redeeming Love.

Beautiful Pain

Like he said, this is the story of Jesus' sacrifice which can also be a story of our sacrifice. Jesus is the ultimate example for everything...especially when it comes to sacrificing our lives. I think that sometimes we assume it was easy for Jesus to die because He is God in the flesh. But He was also human.
It was HARD.
Excruciating anticipation.
Unfathomable pain.

Sacrificing hurts. a lot. but Jesus still died willingly. So how are we going to react to that? Because of grace, we have the ability to react with nothing; because of redemption, we realize we owe Him everything.

Our lives should be a picture of the garden:
painful sacrifice
willing sacrifice
loving sacrifice

Sacrifice:
"the surrender or destruction of something prized or desirable for the sake of something 
considered as having a higher or more pressing claim." ~Dictionary.com

Passion: rightfully named

I'm having flashbacks to Passion 2012.

45,000 people gathering together in the name of Jesus Christ.
45,000 people worshiping like they've never worshiped before.
45,000 people passionate about the Lord.
45,000 people fallen in LOVE with their Savior.

I remember looking down and seeing people DANCING because the joy inside of them was TOO BIG for them to stand still. I remember leaving worship one night and hearing the city of Atlanta ringing with songs of His praise. It didn't stop when we left the dome! 45,000 people too wrapped up in Christ to stop singing to Him!

As I watch live this year online, my heart is aching that I am not there, but I have an opportunity to just sit back and SEE what God is capable of doing! His power is MOVING 60,000 people!!!

HE CANNOT BE STOPPED!!!! He is too powerful!!

Romans 14:11
"For it is written,
          'As I live, says the Lord, every
                 knee shall bow to Me,
           And every tongue shall give
                 praise to God.'"

Vulnerable

I was just re-reading a blog post made about me last year as a freshman. One of the juniors was super excited about my faith. As I read it, I guess I was just looking for some encouragement. My first reaction was "I can't believe someone was this excited about me." But that didn't sound right. Let's re-phrase that because I CAN believe someone was that excited about God. 

Another thought comes to mind: where is that freshman girl now? Where is that girl who was so vulnerable to what God had planned for her and where He wanted to use her that she blurted out to her whole class on the first day that she is obsessed with Jesus?

A part of me wants her back. But I'm a new kind of vulnerable now. I'm so far thrown out of my comfort zone that I cling to God because I know that if I don't I can't survive each day. I've grown more during this crazy, hectic semester than I did this summer when I was bored beyond what I could stand. That doesn't make sense at first, but then I realize that this summer I didn't see as much of a need for God. As awful as that sounds, I tried to handle things myself. I knew I wasn't fine, but I was able to ignore that feeling. Then the school year started and I couldn't ignore that feeling any longer.

I NEED HIM. I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT HIM.     I don't say those words lightly, but I say them with a weighted down heart. I say them as I remember all the brokenness I've experienced this semester and as I remember a feeling I had never felt before: deep hopelessness. This semester I learned how to say "break me, God" when I didn't know what else there was to break. I learned how to trust that God has everything in His hands and He doesn't need my help, just my surrender.