Vulnerable

I was just re-reading a blog post made about me last year as a freshman. One of the juniors was super excited about my faith. As I read it, I guess I was just looking for some encouragement. My first reaction was "I can't believe someone was this excited about me." But that didn't sound right. Let's re-phrase that because I CAN believe someone was that excited about God. 

Another thought comes to mind: where is that freshman girl now? Where is that girl who was so vulnerable to what God had planned for her and where He wanted to use her that she blurted out to her whole class on the first day that she is obsessed with Jesus?

A part of me wants her back. But I'm a new kind of vulnerable now. I'm so far thrown out of my comfort zone that I cling to God because I know that if I don't I can't survive each day. I've grown more during this crazy, hectic semester than I did this summer when I was bored beyond what I could stand. That doesn't make sense at first, but then I realize that this summer I didn't see as much of a need for God. As awful as that sounds, I tried to handle things myself. I knew I wasn't fine, but I was able to ignore that feeling. Then the school year started and I couldn't ignore that feeling any longer.

I NEED HIM. I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT HIM.     I don't say those words lightly, but I say them with a weighted down heart. I say them as I remember all the brokenness I've experienced this semester and as I remember a feeling I had never felt before: deep hopelessness. This semester I learned how to say "break me, God" when I didn't know what else there was to break. I learned how to trust that God has everything in His hands and He doesn't need my help, just my surrender.

November 21st - November 25th

November 21st

I am thankful for a break from school. A major reason I made it through the weeks before it was knowing I would get a break soon!

November 22cd

I am thankful for Thanksgiving! I never really paid this much attention to what I am thankful for. It has given me a whole new perspective on life. I am thankful for so much that I don't even want to stop this at the end of November! In the midst of hardships and times of hurt, there is always something to be thankful for. I have learned how to stop dwelling on the pain and see the blessings. I am far from perfect at this, but I am excited about this new lesson God is teaching me!

November 23rd

I am thankful for the best grandparents a girl could ever ask for! I am thankful for their sense of humor during pictures! I am thankful for them doing things like having beautiful flowers delivered to my house on graduation day! I am thankful that I get the opportunity to know them and to learn from their wisdom. I am thankful that they love me and want to spend time with me. I am thankful for living close enough to them to see them around the holidays and spend time with them. I am thankful that God brought my parents together so I can have all of them in my family!

November 24th

Good gravy I am so thankful I am not the same person I used to be and that I will continue to change from who I am now! Even my fashion choices have changed (praise the Lord!!)

"And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." ~ Philippians 1:6

one of my favorite quotes: "God loves me just the way I am, but He loves me too much to leave me that way" 

I remember graduation Sunday at First Baptist Church and being overwhelmed with how far I had come. I worshiped because I knew I didn't get there on my own. Even since then, as I look back through pictures, I realize how much I have changed just in the past year and a half. I am thankful beyond words because I am not fully who I want to be. If I were to die tonight, I would not be completely satisfied that I lived the life I should have. I don't think I will ever get to that moment on this earth, no matter how long I live because there will always be something I'm doing wrong since I'm human. But because God is good I know that a year from now, I will be more like Christ than I am today. For that fact alone, I can praise Him.

November 25th

I can't stop looking at this picture because just seeing their faces makes my heart do some happy phenomenon that I can't explain! I cannot express in words my thankfulness for these 2 wonderful women of God. It's an honor to have gotten to know them. I would not have made it through high school without them as my small group leaders. They have been here for me from the beginning with a love I had never seen before from anyone outside of my family. It means more to me than I know what to do with. Watching them live God's love out loud has taught me more than they will ever know this side of eternity. To this day, I am trying to imitate them the best I can. Even though I hardly ever get to see them anymore, I get random reminders of their prayers and love. And usually it's right when I need it most. I love them both so so dearly. :)

November 19th and November 20th

November 19th

I don't have a picture yet, but I am thankful for the freshmen and all the other new members of Cru. They remind me that God is preparing people from around the world to come together in order to fulfill His will. Their passion for Him, their strong desire to grow in Him, their love for their new neighbors has all blown my mind. They never cease to amaze me. Whether a freshman or a senior, I am thankful that God decided it was time for me to get to know them!

November 20th

It's been November 20th for only about an hour now, but I thought it would be appropriate while thanking God for the newbies to also thank Him for the student leaders who have stuck with Cru for the past several years and are still leading with a purpose. (They seriously need a picture of all of them together!) I don't know what I would do without them. I wonder each day how Cru will survive without them next year, but the wonderful thing about them is that it's not really them. God is the One who is shining so radiantly through them and leading our campus. Each one of them brings something beautifully different to the table and uses their talents in uniquely God-ordained ways. God gave us organizational skills, love for prayer, musical abilities, design talent, and sweet sweet personalities. Behind each one of these talents being used is an overwhelming passion for Christ and love for people. Also, the remarkable unity among these precious people encourages me each time I see them. I could not ask for better role-models. They are gonna be some tough shoes to fill!!

November 10th - 18th

November 10th

HOMECOMING WEEKEND! I am so thankful for all the beautiful ladies before us that lead Cru and Winthrop with loving hearts and a passion for people. I am thankful that I was able to spend a year with them before they went on to the next stage God had planned for their beautiful lives!

November 11th

I am thankful for college. I am thankful for how it taught me that there is more to this world than my little Fort Mill world. I used to think that was everything. I couldn't imagine living anywhere else. But I came here and I realized that there is so much more out there! I love hearing stories from foreign exchange students and even just getting to know people from across the state who have lived different lives than I have. It has opened my eyes to how big God's world is and how little mine is. In this picture, there are people from Australia, Fort Mill, Greenville, Charleston, Beaufort, Florence, Summerville, Cayce, and Colorado. Cultural Diversity was never important to me until I came here. My whole world expanded when I became an Eagle!

November 12th

Monday. I am thankful for the starting line. Everyone loves Fridays because they are the finish of the week; time to do something rewarding after working hard all week. But it's the Mondays that teach us perseverance. I usually want to hide under my covers when I remember that I still have the whole week ahead of me, but it's when I climb out from under my covers and face my fears that I get to practice trust and see God work. (James 1:2-4)

November 13th

I am thankful for my discipler! I am thankful  for her sweet friendship. She doesn't know the perfect words to say to me, but she somehow says exactly what I need to hear. I am thankful for this precious role-model who genuinely cares about me instead of pretending to fill the role of "caring discipler"! I am thankful that God Divinely designed us to have similar backgrounds so she can relate to things that are happening in my life now. I am thankful that she cares too much about me to let me make certain mistakes and I am thankful for her wisdom that only God could be giving her.

November 14th

I am thankful for my discipleship group last year. These precious friends have helped me survive freshman year and the first half of sophomore year. I don't know what I would have done without them. They have taught me so much about living. Each one of them is a gift from God. The summer before freshman year, I prayed more times than I can count that God would provide good friends who are in love with Him. These 3 girls are a lot of my answer to that prayer!


November 15th

I am thankful that God gave us other people to worship with! When I get excited, I like to talk to other people who are just as excited! I am thankful that I can freely join the body of Christ in worshipping the Lord! (1 Corinthians 14:1-25)

November 16th

I am thankful that God is my Daddy. A while ago, some friends and I were talking about why people raise their hands in church. We do it ourselves, but we all had different reasons. My favorite was when one of my friends explained how she heard it... just as a child holds up their hands and cries "Hold me, daddy!" we are raising ours and crying "Hold me, Daddy!" I am thankful for the moments when I become so lost in Him that nothing matters as long as I'm standing at my Father's feet!

November17th

I am thankful for the bare necessities!! On this day, I spent my day cozy in my bed doing homework because I have an education, eating donuts because I have access to food, and watching television because that's just a non-necessity that makes me happy! I've been complaining to myself a lot recently about not having much food in my room and not wanting to go spend money for McDonalds. Even though it doesn't always taste good, I have access to a cafeteria that provides food to sustain me. Some people don't even have that much. I am privileged that the first thought when I wake up doesn't have to be me wondering whether I'll get to eat that day.


November 18th

I am thankful for the unknown. Most days, I would just like everything to be laid out for me so I never have to worry about my future. But it proves to me over and over that I cannot handle this world on my own. I can rest knowing that God has my past, presents, and future in His hands. He is outside of time. While I am worrying about what will happen next, He is already there preparing it for me.

November 9th

I am thankful for silence. This is weird for me, because I usually cannot handle being away from people for too long. I am thankful for days that I get to escape the world, the stress, and the problems to spend hours alone with God. I am thankful for the peace it brings. I am thankful for the reminders it brings that I cannot survive this life without God. I am thankful for the yearning it brings to spend even more time with Him. I am thankful that the second I walk away, I desire to go back to the silence. I am thankful for the fact that I feel like I've gotten nothing done today and I haven't checked anything off my to-do list and yet I am less stressed than I have been all week. I am thankful for quiet days to fall into my Father's arms and just lie there all day and rest in Him. I am thankful for the way my soul feels rested and rejuvenated at the same time. I am thankful for silence in the middle of a world that never stops.

"My soul waits in silence for God only;
From Him is my salvation.
He only is my rock and my salvation,
My stronghold; I shall not be greatly shaken."
Psalm 62:1

"Cease striving and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10

I am still thankful!

November 6

I am thankful for this country. I am not huge into political matters, but I love our freedom. I am thankful that I can worship God without worrying about the government sending a sniper to shoot me. I am thankful that I can proclaim that I am the Lord's and He is mine.

November 7

I am thankful for an education. I am thankful that it teaches me self-discipline and hard work. I am thankful for the good and the bad grades, because every one of them is a learning experience. I am thankful that God will use my education in the future to give me a new mission field wherever I end up.

November 8

I am thankful that no matter what happens, there is one thing that will never change and that is the wonderful fact that God loves me! He has plans for me even when I question where my life is going. Not only does He always have a plan, but it is a plan that will draw me closer to Him and where He will use me for His eternal Kingdom! If there is one thing I have learned in the past 20 years, it is that I can have all the popularity and money I've ever dreamed of, but if God is not standing right next to me, it will be a miserable life. I am loved. I am treasured.  I am precious in His eyes. I am HIS. Therefore, I am thankful.

I am Thankful!

Okay so I'm a little late in the game, but here goes a month of Thankfulness...

November 1st

I am thankful for my family. No matter how annoyed we get with each other at times, we are still family and we love each other. These people standing next to me are the people that will always stand next to me. Friends come and go, but God chose these 4 precious friends to walk through life with me for the rest of our time on Earth however long that may be...no matter how far apart in distance we end up when we are all grown up and moved out of the house.



November 2cd

I am thankful for my best friend. I am thankful for all the times she listens to me vent about something that doesn't even matter in the long run. I am thankful that she puts up with the mess in our room when I am too stressed out with schoolwork to clean it. I am thankful for the way she is always there for me. She is one of the few people I can tell anything to without the fear of losing her friendship because I am too weird!



November 3rd

I am thankful for random Divine appointments that provide encouragement and support. (This actually didn't happen until November 4th!) I am thankful for these 2 precious people showing me what it is like to be so filled with Christ that it overflows onto the people around them so they can pour into others' lives. I am thankful for their beautiful hearts to serve Christ and others. They put God first and the rest just happens! I am thankful for role models and the way God will use them to impact many others.



November 4th

This girl right here. I am thankful for her life. I am thankful for her friendship. But most of all, I am thankful for the radical change that has happened in her life. I have been thanking God all week for the blessing of having a front row seat to watch His sovereignty through my sweet friend. I am thankful that God is using her story to remind me of the stunning power of His Gospel that I overlook too often.



November 5th

As weird as it sounds, I am thankful for tears. I am thankful for hard times because it is during these times we grow. It is while we are hurting that we become broken. And it is while we are broken that we see our desperate need for a Savior. I cannot do this on my own and if trials is what it takes to make me realize this, I will gladly accept them. I am thankful that I am weak. I am thankful that I have nothing to boast about unless it's in Christ. (2 Corinthians 12:9)

Worries

In all of the many things that I worry about (most of them not even worth worrying about), it never occurred to me the things that I DON'T have to worry about:

• having to live daily without my Father right next to me
• whether or not God hears my prayers
• trying to get in touch with the Creator of the Universe
• eternity apart from Christ
• whose blood will satisfy God's wrath

...because the truth is...

• God is with me every step of the way, no matter how hard I try to control my life without His help
• Every time I cry out to God, He hears me. He doesn't ignore me or push me away because He has so much other stuff to do.
• I know that I am spending all of eternity with my Lover
• Jesus came to satisfy the wrath of God forever

So the next time you worry about something temporary, remember that everything eternal is already taken care of! So now we have to put all our focus on what will last for eternity rather than the trivial problems that will be over in a week!